new
dec04
Written in Stone.
Money...
Do you drink semi-skimmed milk ?
Would you like to save money? Well here’s how.
Buy a pint carton of full cream milk. Put it in a two
pint container. Top it up with water. Voila: semi-skimmed
milk, two pints for the price of one.
I’m on an economy drive at the moment, being flat
broke. Not that I can save any money on semi-skimmed milk,
as I drink full cream milk and don’t give a damn
about it. I mean, I like fat. I just thought
you’d like to hear that particular economy tip,
me being generous when it comes to offering advice (and
advice being free, of course). You can take it as your
Christmas present. I’m only sorry I was unable to
gift-wrap it for you.
Ah,
Christmas and money. They go together don’t
they? Like fairy lights on a Christmas tree, or brandy
butter on your Christmas pud. First of all you have to
save up. Then you have to spend the money you‘ve
saved. Then, just before Christmas, you always get a slew
of bills to pay. This is inevitable. It’s part of
the Christmas tradition. What I like most is when you
ring up the company you owe money to and tell them that
you can’t pay as Christmas is coming up. You are
always guaranteed a sympathetic hearing.
This
morning I got a bill from the DVLA saying I owe them £67.50. That’s a £40 fine for failing
to fill in my SORN declaration on time, plus £27.50
calculated arrears of duty. I’ve been away, and
I just forgot about the form, that’s all. So I rang
them up. “Christmas is coming up,” I said. “I
haven’t got any money.” The man on the other
end was very sympathetic, I have to say. He said
sorry several times. Nevertheless, I have to pay that
bill before the New Year, or it will double. There was
nothing either he or I could do about it.
That’s what I like about bureaucracy, that it
brings people together. I would never had had a conversation
with the kind gentleman at the DVLA if I hadn’t
failed to get my SORN declaration in on time, and if they
hadn‘t subsequently fined me. And I just know if
it had been down to him, he’d have said, “wait
until Christmas is over, the DVLA can wait. Oh, and have
a happy Christmas.”
Yes,
and a happy Christmas to all of you down at the DVLA.
I know you’re only doing your job.
